Peace

Even though we have passed some major milestones, it is hard not to let my mind go in other directions....but I have to continue to pray for peace!
I totally trust Christ and all that He has done! I know this little peanut is going to continue to grow!
Gary is out of town for the next four days. Taking care of the dogs by myself. My little Bolty Bolt is just aweseom....but my Barklee loves the stinkin' trash....he is always in the trash. He makes me so mad!

I heard him and ran down the stairs to get him. I was a little winded. I was a little sad that I got that winded from running down the stairs. I used to be in great shape! Now I am just a mere shell of what I used to look like. Oh ya, I think I failed to mention why we had the infertility problems. I do not ovulate regularly. I was blessed with not a lot of body fat. Anytime I begin to work out, the body fat drops pretty quickly, therefore putting my body into amenoria. Playing sports my whole life I never had regular menstrual cycles, in fact I never really had any. The Dr.'s said it would behoove me not to work out anymore to see if things would regulate out. They finally did when we moved to the injections.and the told me to stop working out. I have gained nearly 20 pounds in the last year from not working out and the fertility drugs.
Well you gotta do what you gotta do, right!! I just know that after I push our little peanut/s out, I am going to get into shape again. For me, working out was such a release! I have missed that the last year with all the stress in my life.
I just thank the Lord that for all the He has done!

Woohoooooo!

So as of right now...I forget that there is a two hour time change and most of my friends and family are in Texas...
When I do blog it is like 8:30 here and 10:30 at home.

Oh ya the results....My HCG was 240 today! We almost tripled from Friday. Which is great. We are having a great start to this pregnancy. I have no more blood test we just let nature take its course now. We have our first ultrasound on April 30th. My doctor said we should see a heartbeat and see how many gestational sacs there are.
I looked at this beta page today which is HCG. Gary and I were playing around with the numbers. My HCG right now is higher than a median single pregnancy and a little lower than a twin pregnancy. However my HCG rose 2.71% points, if it continues to rise like this by the 24th day we would be at 12,900 HCG's, which go ahead and hold your breath would be the HCG of a women carrying triplets. AHHHHHHH.....I know I am a bit competitive. Three of my friends have recently had twins. I just might have to one up them. HEEHEEHEE.
Oh ya I meant to mention this yesterday and I forgot. I am not sure how though~
Gary and I have a good friend who is an OBGYN. We called him and told him our numbers on Friday. He sounded concerned with our numbers. I don't think he quite understoond that our numbers were 14 days post egg retrieval, but whatever. I went to bed pretty worried on Saturday. Gary and I got up and were running some errands. One of our errands was to go to Costco. Gary ran around Costco wanting to show me all this stuff. I was getting a little annoyed. As we were standing in line, Gary croaks," I sure wish we could talk to Dr. Abusief." I knew then that she had to be around. I turn and there is our fertility doc. She was so happy to see us. Did I mention that my two fertility doc's are on maternal leave!!!!!! Anyway, she reassured me that 88 was a phenomenal number this early! What a God thing that we saw her! I was worried about the number until I saw her!
Now, I am really feeling relaxed. I certainly know we are not out of the woods, but we are off to a great start! Thank you Jesus for all that you have done!

Day 16-Day 1-Post First Pregnancy Test

Today was nice not worrying about everything, not worrying about starting over on all the shots, not worrying about fertility at all.

Tomorrow is a new day. I go in for my second blood test, I pray the baby continues to grow and the HCG continues to double. Hopefully I can change my blog name in the next couple of weeks.

Not a lot to report today....looking forward to church tomorrow and praising the Lord for all he has given us.

Day 15

I got up this morning went and took the blood test and waited anxiously for the phone call. I put m phone up so I could not hear anything. Around 12:15 I looked at my phone and the clinic had called 4 times. I realized they must have good news. I listened to the message and SD said the test was positive with an HCG of 88. Last time my HCG was 16. By no means are we out of the woods, I have to take a blood test on Sunday. We need the HCG to double every 48 hours.
All I can say is Praise the Lord. He has answered our prayers so far. I just give Him all the glory!
My prayer now is that our little one continues to grow into a healthy, high jumpin child.
I cannot thank everyone for their prayers. I felt so encouraged during the day. Text messages or facebook messages came throughout the day each one saying they were praying for something specific.
We still have a long journey ahead of us! Sunday is our next big hurdle. I just trust in the fact that Christ is going to take care of us. We are going to lay our cares and concerns at His feet.
Gary and I are still going strong on the Love Dare. He is so sweet brought me flowers today! I would post a picture, but I cant figure out how to post a picture in the middle of my page like everyone else does! Maybe tomorrow I will figure it out!
Goodnight! I need to get some rest!

Day 14

Today was rather peaceful!

Gary and I decided after watching Fireproof that we were going to do the Love Dare! It is 40 days of Love Dares! We started on Monday. I have to tell you it has not been real difficult, with the exception of the first love dare and actually it carries on to all the the other 40 dares.

Love Dare #1- Resolve to have patience and say nothing negative to your spouse.
Since Gary and I have been together we have had rather venemous tongues! This Dare has been tough, but suprisingly for four days Gary and I have not said anything negative to the other one. We have stayed in continous prayer and are claiming the Bible verse,
Psalm 19:14
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord,
My Rock and my Redeemer!

Yesterday's love dare was to buy your husband/wife something. Gary bought me a floor cleaner, which I love! I did not buy anything for Gary. I made him a CD with songs that have meant something to us in our marriage.
We sat down tonight at dinner and listened to the CD. I put I Can Only Imagine on there, when this song came on I pretty much lost it.

You know the song says:
I can only imagine, surrounded by your glory what will my heart feel, will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still , will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall.

I thought to myself hmmm....I wonder what tomorrow will be like.
Will I dance, will I sing, will I fall to my knees. I don't know what the outcome will bring tomorrow, but I do know that I worship a Sovereign God! He is in total control and I completely trust in Him.

Day 13

Woohoo we are getting closer! One more long day and then the blood test early Friday morning!

I am good today...I feel good....I have tried real hard not to worry and just trust in the fact that Christ is either going to give us a healthy pregnancy and baby or he is going to give us peace about not being pregnant!

So right now I will talk about my two children, which happens to be dogs. Bolty Bolt is like the perfect dog or you could say the perfect child and Barklee is like the rebellious child. Bolt would never get into the trash, counter surf, or eat Chocolate. A little story about Barklee from tonight. Our friends the Samuelson's came over with their 2 month old twins. Kate and I were changing their diapers and suddenly we couldnt find Barklee. We walk around the house looking for Barklee and we couldn't seem to find him. I remembered there was a chocolate bar in the garage in my school bag! I fling open the garage and there is that crazy dog -chowing on my chocolate bar! I don't how he finds the only chocolate bar in the house hidden in my bag in the garage.I think he has a nose for chocolate. Did I mention he loves chocolate?He is a chocoholic! And yes I know that chocolate is not good for him, but this was milk chocolate and he is almost 80 pounds.
These types of encounters with my Barklee keep my day going smoothly and helps me to forget about all the issues that fertility treatment has delivered to me.
I do have some crazy stories about good ole' Barklee that I will be sharing along this journey to keep the humor of God's infinite plan!
Still praying for peace tonight and tomorrow! Hoping that we get the results that we so desire!
Thanks so much for all the prayers, they mean so much to Gary and I and both of us can totally feel them.
God is good all the time!

Day 12

I had struggled at school today with fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of Friday, fear that my dog Barklee sat on my stomach this morning! I know that sounds funny, but let me give you a little history of my MARLEY, Oh I mean Barklee! Every morning Gary gets up and lets Barklee out of his crate. Barklee sprints out of the crate and jumps with all fours onto the bed and hurls himself straight for my stomach. He then plops his body on my body and gives me one lick! During our first IVF cycle his behavior totally changed, about 7 days after the retrieval Barklee started gently jumping on the bed and laying beside me instead of the usually stomach flop. I did not think anything about it until I started cramping and Barklee began to lay on my stomach again. Barklee knew I was pregnant and he so carefully laid his body as close to mine as possible without laying on me. Barklee also knew when the baby stopped growing. He then went back to his usual stomach flop. Well, this morning he layed his whole body on me, small things like this worry me. However, my Bolty Bolt layed on my stomach the first time around and this time he is laying beside me. So I think at this point you just start picking at anything to start preparing for the worst.

This is when my Community group came in, they reminded me to have FAITH. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen. I have to have faith.
I feel so blessed to have these Godly women in my life who are willing to listen to me talk about what is going on in my life and just ask, how can we pray for you!

Well enough about fertility for today! I can't change the outcome with all the worry! Gary always tells me that worry is paying on a debt that may never come due! He is right!
Gary is going to think someone else broke into my blog and posted that he was RIGHT!
Off to bed! Praying for peace!

Day Eleven

Today was a great day...
My kids at school were so good last week for the sub! I am so proud of them. I took off last week to get off my feet and take advantage of having Gary, my hubbies mom here! She is the best cook, and I had the opportunity to cook with her for a week! It was great! Also, my mom was here and it was wonderful to have her company during the egg retrieval and the transfer. In fact the two grandma's were able to see their grandcells last week!

As far as today and waiting it is certainly tough! I was thinking I might have to drive to San Jose for my blood test on Friday which would prove to be impossible to get there and back to school on time...So I might have to wait until Saturday! Which is not a bad thing at all....because by then the HCG would be good and high by then if I was pregnant.

On the flipside of that, I am a bit fearful for Friday because I dont want my kids at school to see me upset!It is extremely difficult to hold back the tears when you find out you are not pregnant, and the kids see you crying. All of them are like, "What is wrong Mrs. Bannister?" and I respond, "Oh, nothing!"
I have been at school for all the phone calls of every IUI result. The first couple were not to bad because at that time you don't fully understand the gravity of the whole situation. After a couple more the disappointment truly begins to set in. After the IVF that one was tough. I just have to remember that not everything is done in our time and that God has a plan.
I have a great friend Christy Sheedy who told me the story of her first miscarriage and how she couldn't see the whole picture. She was so mad and upset. A couple months later when she conceived again her and her husband were in a better place financially for her to quit her job and be a stay at home mom. During this time of her pregnancy her mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Christy had the opportunity to be by her mom's side that year. She talked about how she got to know her in way she had never known her and to top it off, her mother became a Christian that year! Christy was saying if she had not miscarried she would have probabaly never quit her job to be a stay at home mom and she would of missed the last year of her mom's life. Talk about a divine plan! I just have to rest in His arms and know that Christ would do nothing to harm me! Pray that I continue to understand that there is a divine plan in all of this!

Day Ten

Infertility is such a crazy thing. I sometimes wonder what the phone call will be like on Friday after the blood test. Will it be good news or will it be unfortunately Kim you are not pregnant. So, the manager of our fertility clinic gives all the phone calls for everything, we will call her SD. She calls us about the results for all the blood tests you do through out the cycles, and did I mention there are a lot. Most of the blood tests are just estradiol levels and she delivers all the lab results. She also has the unfortunate job of calling all the women and delivering the news of whether you are pregnant or not. Can you imagine delivering the news everyday to women who their hopes and dreams are hanging on your every word. Well, I had a story...SD called the last time on our first IVF cycle and we had a code. She would have me call back if I was pregnant because she wanted to tell me herself, and if I was not pregnant she was going to say unfortunately Kim you are not pregnant. I think we will do the same thing this time. I really dread this phone call. I want to think right now that I am pregnant, but I am so afraid to think that because of the utter disappointment of another failed IVF cycle. I am not the type of person to live in a pity party, so I am ready or at least I tell myself I am.
I listen to Eye of the Tiger every day and just tell this little one that he/she has to have the Eye of the Tiger, just a man and his will to survive. I know that sounds silly! However it gets me through each and every day of this crazy two week wait. Not to mention the song by Casting Crowns Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee!
I don't know why but today church was real emotional for me. We sang the song, You are the Everlasting God, Everlasting God, You do not faint, You won't grow weary, You are the defender of the weak, You comfort those in need, You lift us up on wings like eagles. Those words meant so much to me also because of the Bible verse
Isiah 40:28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God the creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall:
but those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles:
they will run and grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
This is my prayer for the next 5 days!
I want to run and not grow weary!

Well here we go...I don't really know how to do this page yet. I am going to have to learn as I go.
I should probably introduce myself. I am Kimberly. I teach the 4th grade in Belmont/Redwood Shores. I have a wonderful husband and two incredible dogs. Which you will probably read about a lot.

I have debated on starting a blog about our fertility problems because it is very personal, and I decided that I needed to hopefully start a blog that others would empathize with and help me to know that I am not by myself in this struggle.
So, here goes.....

Weird title, but truly how I feel right now. Everyone around me is having children and not us. I sometimes wonder when is it going to be our turn. I don't think anyone understands the frustration and hurt you feel everytime you undergo a fertility treatment that fails. We are now into a year and half of trying fertility treatmenst and still No Baby! We have gone through 6 IUI's(IUI- artificial insemination) on clomid and injections. In fact two of our IUI's were double inseminations.
We have been through one IVF cycle ( Invitro fertilization)...that one was tough, and we have finished our second IVF cycle and just waiting. We actually had what they call a chemical pregnancy the first IVF cycle. The embryo actually implanted, however the egg was just not viable enought to grow.
At this time, we had to go through another egg retrieval because we had no frozens. This was the hardest thing. IVF is the most invasive process I have ever been through. Let me tell you about the process. When you finish your cycle you begin an injectable called Lupron which basically shuts down your ability to ovulate, which for me is my problem. Anyway, you stay on that for around 17 days, and then you hit the heavy hitters, three injections a night, Follistim, Menapur, and finish up with the Lupron. You do this for around 8-10 days until basically your ovaries are the size of grapefruits. Your objective is to have as many follicles as possible, to give yourself the best possible amount of eggs for fertilization. During this time you have almost daily blood tests and ultrasounds, not the ones on the stomach either. Good Times. At the end of the 8-10 days you give yourself yet another shot, this one is and HCG shot to trigger the follicles. In around 36 hours you go to the doctor, get put out and they retrieve the eggs. Three days later you find out how many are fertilized and they transfer two of the embryo's into your uterus. However my first transfer was a bit difficult. The normal transfer is bewteen 10-20 minutes, wonderful me, mine was nearly two hours. I actually had a procedure done to help with that for the second egg retrieval and transfer. Oh ya, You then wait for two very long weeks to either be preggo or not! We received the phone call with an HCG of 16, not real high but it did double in the next 48 hours which was a great sign and then! The dreaded phone call of the HCG that went down. In what, less than three days no HCG, and we had to start over.
We just finished our second cycle of IVF and are actually in our two week wait. The good thing this time is that we did get three frozens.
The hard part you feel so alone while everyone around you is celebrating their pregnancies and their kiddos. I have to work real hard not to become angry, not at my friends, but at the situation. However, I will say when some of my friends have complained about their pregnancies it has highly petrubed me. They forget who they are talking to. Me, the one that can't seem to get pregnant.
I never dreamed getting pregnant would be so difficult. Truly all you have left at the end of the day is your Faith and the Hope that God will give you what you ask for.
On day 9 of my two week wait, I just pray and ask for peace no matter the outcome.