Infertility is such a crazy thing. I sometimes wonder what the phone call will be like on Friday after the blood test. Will it be good news or will it be unfortunately Kim you are not pregnant. So, the manager of our fertility clinic gives all the phone calls for everything, we will call her SD. She calls us about the results for all the blood tests you do through out the cycles, and did I mention there are a lot. Most of the blood tests are just estradiol levels and she delivers all the lab results. She also has the unfortunate job of calling all the women and delivering the news of whether you are pregnant or not. Can you imagine delivering the news everyday to women who their hopes and dreams are hanging on your every word. Well, I had a story...SD called the last time on our first IVF cycle and we had a code. She would have me call back if I was pregnant because she wanted to tell me herself, and if I was not pregnant she was going to say unfortunately Kim you are not pregnant. I think we will do the same thing this time. I really dread this phone call. I want to think right now that I am pregnant, but I am so afraid to think that because of the utter disappointment of another failed IVF cycle. I am not the type of person to live in a pity party, so I am ready or at least I tell myself I am.
I listen to Eye of the Tiger every day and just tell this little one that he/she has to have the Eye of the Tiger, just a man and his will to survive. I know that sounds silly! However it gets me through each and every day of this crazy two week wait. Not to mention the song by Casting Crowns Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee!
I don't know why but today church was real emotional for me. We sang the song, You are the Everlasting God, Everlasting God, You do not faint, You won't grow weary, You are the defender of the weak, You comfort those in need, You lift us up on wings like eagles. Those words meant so much to me also because of the Bible verse
Isiah 40:28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God the creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall:
but those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles:
they will run and grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
This is my prayer for the next 5 days!
I want to run and not grow weary!
2 comments:
Kim - I am thinking of you, sending you lots of love, hope and faith! xoxo
Kris (Kary's sister)
Wow, Kim, you are not alone!! That whole "God's Timing" thing is HARD!! For two long and expensive years we did Clomid, then shots, then Clomid + shots, 2 IUI's, and all we got was one chemical pregnancy. IVF was the very quickly approaching next step. I had to drive 40 minutes each way to see my specialist, not fun as often as they make you go in. Jason got a new job, so we moved early in the summer of 08. I decided to give my mind, body, and soul a break when we moved out of Waco. Didn't figure I could swing the 'let me leave early three times a week' thing at my new school. I planned to look for a new doctor around Christmas, but like so many of the stories I heard, I finally got pregnant when we quit "trying." It was insane, really. I'm not sure if it was the last round of medicine (we didn't do the planned IUI since we moved) or just God, but it was quite the shock. When I told Jason, he said "how??" I kind of didn't want to believe it, for fear of it not being true. Plus. it was all crazy cause I had to quickly find a new doctor after seeing the same ones for so long. Still, it felt odd, all my friends in Waco were aware of our struggle, yet none of the very new folks we met up here quite understood what a challenge it had been. I wished I could have shared it with some of the folks that had been wishing with us from the beginning.
So anyways, I'm sure you don't need another story or 'be patient, it will happen' message. Just want to say that you are strong, and worthy (that was another frustration, seeing half my 16 year old kids have babies! Not fair!!), and you will get through this. Hopefully this blog will be good for you. It's a lot to deal with on a variety of levels! (I've got to say, when I got far enough along to have an abdominal ultra sound, I was one excited lady:) Vent all you need! Know you are not alone, and that God is good, however His timing could use a little work (or so we like to think!) You'll be in our prayers! - Suzanne and Jason
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